Things have simmered down from spinning turmoil to slight numbness. Better said, an okay feeling. I'm not the definition of maturity or level-headedness, especially considering when things started spiraling downward I started panic and almost slammed the "abort mission" button and ran away. I would have ran, but never away from God. I didn't even know what I was running from. Trying to escape confusion and misunderstanding, the sheer sense of turmoil I felt attacking my mind- that's the only thing I wanted to escape at the moment. Because at the same time it felt as if it was trying to close in on me again. Like the walls did that night three years ago and I ran out into the cold night of my back porch staring up at the blackened sky and trying to find air to breathe- better a sense of openness than the walls around me. But this time wasn't like that. It was more of an inner panic attack as I tried, not knowing or caring whether or not I succeeded, to sort out what my mind was jumbling up. I can't remember what it was, except wanting to so badly run away from the commitment we sealed in fire that Friday night at 3 am on our faces crying out as we never had before, but I just remember not knowing how to handle it and trying to shove it all away. I remember that night we were to wait a moment and decide which away to run. I stared off into the distance and realized all at once "This is going to be a lot harder than you can imagine... are you sure you want to do this?" And I figured I could never say No. That I didn't have the heart to back away from the challenge my life was set upon. So, uncertainly certain, I said yes and put my hand in.
The feeling of turmoil engulfing me never went away until I promised to turn around to hang onto this fire seal. This chord. Maybe it isn't in my blood to run away, even if I try. Because when I run, every horrid feeling you'd ever imagine nags at me until I turn around and get back on the track that leads to the finish line...
They say the people closest to you have the power to hurt you the most. But if they really loved you, then they wouldn't do it... So the only way to do this is to jump back into the rhythm. Perhaps hurt makes us stronger but not if it becomes a burden to us and wears us down, and that's what it's done to me for a while. I can't continue to hurt myself by not being a part of what I've got to, but I don't want to do it if it's going to hurt me. And something tells me if we're all doing it the right way, then things will work as they're suppose to and no one will get hurt...
I'm not the definition of mature. But I'm not simple-minded. And if something happens to be bigger than people know, I notice it, and its details...

This is going to work.
This is what I've got to do...