I don't think I want to have a protected list on Xanga anymore. I think I just want everything to be public and not keep anything hidden and just post whatever unless I keep it under private... the problem with this is that random numbers of people read my blog whether or not I link the entry with facebook, and I don't even know any of them. Oh well. If I really find something necessary to post under protected then I will because some stuff is meant to be there and not for the eyes of everyone... some stuff written on there, there is no thought of "is this really necessary to share?"
As Mrs. Blonda said, we talk to much... I'm going to have to agree. And some stuff has the ability to cause division, such as blogs like foxy in which only one person knew about and brownies in which only two people shared at some point even if they're both over. It just isn't necessary... I'm not sure of how much I will continue to post on there, maybe I'll keep my posts public with some protected or maybe I'll post on here more often, who knows. I'll make up my mind eventually...

Say the Word, Say the Word...

Are you different, can I be different, too?
Nobody knows you, Nobody knows you, like I do...


The song holds a lot of meaning... I've never looked at it as anything between a guy and a girl because I've never been able to see it fit the song. When I listen to it I picture a gray day in the winter, like black and white, and he's writing a song and has a lot on his mind but just wants someone he cares about to know something important. It's not really a meaning to be explained since songs are just amazing like that... I don't think I've ever seen it fit in relationship consequences too much. Maybe a bit but no.



I hope things don't get too crazy while I'm away. My mom threatened for me to not see my dad on Thanksgiving because she's just loved doing that to me ever since I was little, but I don't know how I'm going to react if she follows through. I'm contemplating whether or not to just leave and catch a bus or something to his house just to spend a few hours with him, but I'm not too sure what the consequences of that would be... like the cops swarming my dad's house for something he didn't do, or putting everything into chaos and not having anything when I get back here. I just don't want what happened when I was little to happen again... it was way too much for a 7 through 10 year old to be involved in. She may have pretty much stolen me when I was ten and drove me to Tennessee but she can't just keep doing that. I'm not little anymore and I don't care how much of my mom she is, she can't just kick me around like a ball and hurt me like that. It's emotional and mental abuse. Call me a rebel and tell me I'm wrong, but I'm not going through that again. It was too much... I won't jump at the chance to argue and I won't instigate or say things out of spite. I don't even know if things will go downhill or not- maybe it'll be peaches and cream and I'll get back here safe, sound and ready to go, but I guarantee there's a 5 percent chance of that because it never holds over well. I'll just sit back and watch what happens, and if things start getting ridiculous I'll take the wheel, because the last time I was being handled by adults it didn't pull over so well, and now that I can legally make my own decisions on at least who I want to live with things shouldn't get too out of hand. I'll pray about it, but really, I'm not being tossed about anymore. My foot is on the ground. I don't want to hurt either of them, but they need to realize that it's time they've quit fighting over someone who's listening and watching. I might not be an adult yet but I'm well on my way and know how to decide things for myself and I don't need them trampling me...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUk5SZ18WhY

This song almost makes me cry when I hear it...
Steven Curtis Chapman- Cinderella


Tomorrow awaits...

Night nights.

If only I could find the words...

"Now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since you took my heavy heart and made it light..."

" I hope it snows this week, A snow flake on your cheek would make this Christmas so Beautiful... But that would just bring the pain, Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful..."

Dear Relient;
You really have your ways of making people happy, but you also have your ways of making people sad. Afterall, words are the most powerful thing.
Love,
The No Named Face.



I was listening to my play list earlier and that song came on, and I began realizing with a very sorrowful feeling that you don't have to have been in a relationship to understand a broken heart, but that a broken heart is a broken heart and they all hurt... and that people just can't get over their broken heart no matter how it had gotten broken. Someone's heart could be broken over the death of a loved one almost as much as it was broken over a break-up. Because it all falls under losing someone you love and I know that feeling from when I was little, and from experiences recent... I feel selfish for not understanding that long ago and I'm sorry for it.
I wish I would have understood this then and I wish I would have been there. I can't heal a broken heart. But all I can say now is that my phone is on all day, during class and at 3 am and my hugs are always free. And I'll have to forgive myself for being the jerk I was no matter how long ago that was, because God can't forgive me if I can't forgive others and if I can't forgive myself...





Anyway in other news, wanna see what happens when my words get all mixed together?


“It's ironic the way we all think,
limiting ourselves to
knowledge of this place,
they leave the rest to sink,
the door left open,
and no name to a face,
They call it naive and think what they may,
but in the end who ran astray, What can I say?
Where are they looking, left or right?
When it all comes down, who's left to fight?

Why do we so often go back on our word?
I wish we didn't think the worst,
I wish these words just didn't hurt.
Why is the eternal labeled absurd?
You never listen to these words said
But you turn around and go ahead,
Must things become so misunderstood?
I wish these regrets would find their way.
but one thing I know is true, that
So often, like the words caught away in the air,
Nobody said that life was fair.

It's undefined why
the dish ran away with the spoon,
why the people we love the most
hold the power to hurt us the most.
Why the closely knitted drift apart
leaving so much locked away
taking pieces of our heart
and leaving in a disarray.
We've got the power of the world in our hands
but so much is unused, nevertheless,
we can't make others understand that
We are the last ones left.

Why do we so often go back on our word?
I wish we didn't think the worst,
I wish these words just didn't hurt.
Why is the eternal labeled absurd?
You never listen to these words said
But you turn around and go ahead,
Must things become so misunderstood?
I wish these regrets would find their way.
but one thing I know is true, that
So often, like the words caught away in the air,
Nobody said that life was fair.

We've come too far to let this go.
so we're taking our regrets,
letting them go,
looking toward the future,
disregarding before,
making a new creed,
running evermore.
Taking these words that way say,
using them like a two-edged sword.
Be careful, however you may, because
Words are a powerful thing afterall.”


I think I should call it Words.

It's a very mixed up song, or poem, or whatever you prefer. I'll save it.



In other other news, I've began realizing another weird thing- I'm not sure why, but I've suddenly developed this habit of just falling in my bed, regardless of what I'm in the middle of or have left to do, and going to sleep. Eventually this habit results in stuff piling in my chair and things scattered about my room, and then it looking like a true teenagers room by the end of the week. After napping I always have somewhere to go, and if I don't I have homework left or I just feel too lazy to clean. I'm a neat-freak, I'm not suppose to feel lazy. I get a full eight hours and still feel lazy. Oh well.

Well I'm done ranting for the day. Now I'm going to be lazy and go to sleep.

G'night. :3

"So Here I am, once again...

...I'm torn into pieces."

Good song.

So I'm sitting in keyboarding still wondering how the heck I ended up in this class and why. My green suit is fitting all weird but it's keeping me warm. My mom yelled at me all morning because apparently I'm "Doing too many things" (which I'm not. She told me to quit but I'm not a quitter. :(

I like 3rd lunch on odd days. I sit with some good people.

I wish I could read blogs on here but they're all blocked with the school server.
I don't think I'm doing anything tonight.
Or tomorrow night.
I might spend time with Angie :) We haven't had a movie night in forever.

After leaving church last night I really wanted a hug. My arms felt empty like they needed something to cling to (the hug through the window helped a bit, lol :) but for a while I felt really empty. After I got home and listened to some music, wrote and read some I felt pretty good about this upcoming weekend. I can't wait for Oneway :) Even if it's just us three again, though I'm hoping Theo and Brehia will come... we're going to get somewhere I anticipate... not in a bad way but good anticipation :)
By the way, I call shotgun! I'm not getting sick again. But I hope it isn't make Bruce sick... :(

I'm totally pocrastinating. Definitely not doing my stupid microtype, but no one wants to do that anyways...

And now I'm rambling...

Peace!

Things have simmered down from spinning turmoil to slight numbness. Better said, an okay feeling. I'm not the definition of maturity or level-headedness, especially considering when things started spiraling downward I started panic and almost slammed the "abort mission" button and ran away. I would have ran, but never away from God. I didn't even know what I was running from. Trying to escape confusion and misunderstanding, the sheer sense of turmoil I felt attacking my mind- that's the only thing I wanted to escape at the moment. Because at the same time it felt as if it was trying to close in on me again. Like the walls did that night three years ago and I ran out into the cold night of my back porch staring up at the blackened sky and trying to find air to breathe- better a sense of openness than the walls around me. But this time wasn't like that. It was more of an inner panic attack as I tried, not knowing or caring whether or not I succeeded, to sort out what my mind was jumbling up. I can't remember what it was, except wanting to so badly run away from the commitment we sealed in fire that Friday night at 3 am on our faces crying out as we never had before, but I just remember not knowing how to handle it and trying to shove it all away. I remember that night we were to wait a moment and decide which away to run. I stared off into the distance and realized all at once "This is going to be a lot harder than you can imagine... are you sure you want to do this?" And I figured I could never say No. That I didn't have the heart to back away from the challenge my life was set upon. So, uncertainly certain, I said yes and put my hand in.
The feeling of turmoil engulfing me never went away until I promised to turn around to hang onto this fire seal. This chord. Maybe it isn't in my blood to run away, even if I try. Because when I run, every horrid feeling you'd ever imagine nags at me until I turn around and get back on the track that leads to the finish line...
They say the people closest to you have the power to hurt you the most. But if they really loved you, then they wouldn't do it... So the only way to do this is to jump back into the rhythm. Perhaps hurt makes us stronger but not if it becomes a burden to us and wears us down, and that's what it's done to me for a while. I can't continue to hurt myself by not being a part of what I've got to, but I don't want to do it if it's going to hurt me. And something tells me if we're all doing it the right way, then things will work as they're suppose to and no one will get hurt...
I'm not the definition of mature. But I'm not simple-minded. And if something happens to be bigger than people know, I notice it, and its details...

This is going to work.
This is what I've got to do...

Get ready.

It's been so long since I've posted on here. Seriously, February 5th was like 8 years ago. xD

A lots changed since then, but I won't get into all that. I've posted a lot more on my xanga...

Moving on to the point,

I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure this year is the best year ever. I've seen both sides of the story and I suppose I can say I've followed different people around to know enough of how not to get involved in what everyone else is doing... I've gained so much focus since last year. 8th grade was fun but I had a lot of struggles on what I needed to focus on. It was the year I learned...
And 7th grade was a new light in my eyes. It was hard in January because my friends were getting mad at me. "You changed so much, Hannah. You turned all Jesus on us. What happened to you?"
I can honestly say I walked away from some things. I gave up stuff I was holding onto and God just filled the inside of me and healed all of my scars, took away all my pain. I remember the different atmosphere of school hitting me as I climbed on the bus that cold Monday morning after Ramp. I just started realizing what I'd been missing out on...

But now it's my Freshman year. I look at this whole new place in front of me and all of the different people. So many people there that are probably just like me and waiting to find someone just like them. I've met some already and there's probably more. :) New year. New friends. New role models and mentors.... New change.

Oakland Highschool... Get ready.

Impulse.

Well, sometimes it's a horrible thing, while other times it's good. But it bit me a little on Wednesday, though I didn't get a chance to really explain myself.
Today started out great. My clock didn't go off, but I got a chance to ride with Jay to school. The rest of the morning went well.

It was third period that I was bored in my seat. We were doing review with the Clickers and the projector, so in between answers people were pretty much socializing. I was pretty content, exchanging a comment or two with the people around me. Savannah, this girl that sits a little behind me said something, and I didn't stop and think before the words escape my mouth. "Yo mama!!!"
A sudden pang of realization stabbed me.
Her mom died four months ago...
I wanted to take the words back and shove them down my throat. Usually these words would mean nothing but a simple joke, but I turned around and faced the front hoping she didn't take to offense.
"....That wasn't funny, Hannah..."
"...what?" I played stuipid despite the fact that I probably had "guilt" and "regret" written on my forehead.
"I'm... uhm... sorry, Svannah, i didn't mean..."
I looked down and wished I could just walk out of the room. I felt insecure, as if the whole room knew about it, and the devil laughed at me from somewhere far off. My conciousness bit at me the rest of the period, but I kept silent.
I really didn't mean it, I didn't mean it like that! That's not what I meant! I screamed in my head. I was very sensitive my own feelings including other people, and right now I just felt like crawling under my seat and hiding. I felt like crying, actually, but I bit down on my lip to keep the tears from coming. It was ridicuous, me crying that easily. She had more right to cry than I did. I was such a jerk. An impulsive one that didn't think before she spoke or did anything.

I escape third period with my head down, and even though I didn't speka or look up, people knew something was wrong. Makayla asked, and I said "Nothing!" trying to bring up my cheery voice. I felt the bubble in my throat and was pretty sure if I said another word, my eyes would spill.

For fourth period and the first ten minutes of 5th period, i heard nothing but "Stuipid Stuipid Stuipid!!!" yelling at me. In the middle of 5th period, where they put our lunch class, I went through there and sat down at the usual spot. Nick say across from me with his math books open and his binder, scribbling and cauculating. He had taken up the spot beside him as well, and when someone else needed that seat, he slammed his books shut and left to get a cauculator. I stared down the whole time and didn't speak, then when he came back, he continued to work stressfully and irritatingly. The emotions of frusteration and stress and pain were rolling off of him in waves. He'd seen what had happened in third period but that didn't seem to be it at all.
A tall 6th grader passed behind me and gave me a friendly "Hi!" Her name's Miya. She's followed me for two years now and she's very immature, though I treat her kindly as best as I can. She won't stop hitting Nick and she always calls him names and stuff. He'll be sitting there talking to me and she'll randomly hit him and act like a three year old during breakfast. I asked her to stop and she said she would, but I guess she didn't mean it. I greeted her back, and as she went to pass me, she looked down at Nick and slammed a water bottle on his shoulder. His eyes shifted up toward me, narrowed, and it was as if I could practically see into his emotions.
"Miya!" I called before she left. "Why did you just do that!?"
She gave a shrug, still glaring at him.
"Don't hit him again. I've told you time and time again, allright? KEEP. YOUR HANDS. OFF OF HIM. Allright!?"
Her eyes big, she gave a quick nod and continued on out of the lunch room. I looked back up, and everyone else from down the table was staring at me. I guess it was rarley that I ever yelled at people and was serious about it. "What did she do!?" they all asked.
"Don't worry about it..." I mumbled, getting up and throwing my tray away. The last thing I wanted to do was be around people. I left and went into the bathroom, sitting down on the bench beside the unused showers and silently thinking to myself. My 7th grade friend came in and asked what was up, and we talked for a bit, but it wasn't really much. Later on I heard someone else come in, and I looked up to see the last person I'd expected.
"What's wrong?" Savannah asked me. "Erm... it's nothing..." I stammered. "I just don't feel like being around people right now..."
"Oh okay..."
"Wait!" I called before she left. "Uhh, I need to tell you... (gulp) hold on a sec..."
I knew that when i'd speak the words I'd burst into tears. That's always what happens when I face people head on. If it's an apology, I'll cry or feel really uncomfortable. If it's an important talk that I've had on my mind, I'll start shaking with adrenaline. It doens't matter how big, how small, I can't do it.
"I'm sorry about 3rd period..." I murmured. "I didn't mean it like that..."
"oh, it's okay..." she said, coming up to give me a hug. "I'm just still sensetive with it, people do it all the time..."
Yes, I started crying. Not sobbing, thank God. "I'm sorry, i'm just..."
"It's allright, it's okay..."
After a few minutes of talking, she said, "If you need me, Icome get me, okay?"
"Okay..."
I sat in there for a few more minutes, trying to make myself stop. Why was everything such a big deal? Why was I this sensitive? She had every right to cry, not me. "God, help me..." I muttered.