Impulse.

Well, sometimes it's a horrible thing, while other times it's good. But it bit me a little on Wednesday, though I didn't get a chance to really explain myself.
Today started out great. My clock didn't go off, but I got a chance to ride with Jay to school. The rest of the morning went well.

It was third period that I was bored in my seat. We were doing review with the Clickers and the projector, so in between answers people were pretty much socializing. I was pretty content, exchanging a comment or two with the people around me. Savannah, this girl that sits a little behind me said something, and I didn't stop and think before the words escape my mouth. "Yo mama!!!"
A sudden pang of realization stabbed me.
Her mom died four months ago...
I wanted to take the words back and shove them down my throat. Usually these words would mean nothing but a simple joke, but I turned around and faced the front hoping she didn't take to offense.
"....That wasn't funny, Hannah..."
"...what?" I played stuipid despite the fact that I probably had "guilt" and "regret" written on my forehead.
"I'm... uhm... sorry, Svannah, i didn't mean..."
I looked down and wished I could just walk out of the room. I felt insecure, as if the whole room knew about it, and the devil laughed at me from somewhere far off. My conciousness bit at me the rest of the period, but I kept silent.
I really didn't mean it, I didn't mean it like that! That's not what I meant! I screamed in my head. I was very sensitive my own feelings including other people, and right now I just felt like crawling under my seat and hiding. I felt like crying, actually, but I bit down on my lip to keep the tears from coming. It was ridicuous, me crying that easily. She had more right to cry than I did. I was such a jerk. An impulsive one that didn't think before she spoke or did anything.

I escape third period with my head down, and even though I didn't speka or look up, people knew something was wrong. Makayla asked, and I said "Nothing!" trying to bring up my cheery voice. I felt the bubble in my throat and was pretty sure if I said another word, my eyes would spill.

For fourth period and the first ten minutes of 5th period, i heard nothing but "Stuipid Stuipid Stuipid!!!" yelling at me. In the middle of 5th period, where they put our lunch class, I went through there and sat down at the usual spot. Nick say across from me with his math books open and his binder, scribbling and cauculating. He had taken up the spot beside him as well, and when someone else needed that seat, he slammed his books shut and left to get a cauculator. I stared down the whole time and didn't speak, then when he came back, he continued to work stressfully and irritatingly. The emotions of frusteration and stress and pain were rolling off of him in waves. He'd seen what had happened in third period but that didn't seem to be it at all.
A tall 6th grader passed behind me and gave me a friendly "Hi!" Her name's Miya. She's followed me for two years now and she's very immature, though I treat her kindly as best as I can. She won't stop hitting Nick and she always calls him names and stuff. He'll be sitting there talking to me and she'll randomly hit him and act like a three year old during breakfast. I asked her to stop and she said she would, but I guess she didn't mean it. I greeted her back, and as she went to pass me, she looked down at Nick and slammed a water bottle on his shoulder. His eyes shifted up toward me, narrowed, and it was as if I could practically see into his emotions.
"Miya!" I called before she left. "Why did you just do that!?"
She gave a shrug, still glaring at him.
"Don't hit him again. I've told you time and time again, allright? KEEP. YOUR HANDS. OFF OF HIM. Allright!?"
Her eyes big, she gave a quick nod and continued on out of the lunch room. I looked back up, and everyone else from down the table was staring at me. I guess it was rarley that I ever yelled at people and was serious about it. "What did she do!?" they all asked.
"Don't worry about it..." I mumbled, getting up and throwing my tray away. The last thing I wanted to do was be around people. I left and went into the bathroom, sitting down on the bench beside the unused showers and silently thinking to myself. My 7th grade friend came in and asked what was up, and we talked for a bit, but it wasn't really much. Later on I heard someone else come in, and I looked up to see the last person I'd expected.
"What's wrong?" Savannah asked me. "Erm... it's nothing..." I stammered. "I just don't feel like being around people right now..."
"Oh okay..."
"Wait!" I called before she left. "Uhh, I need to tell you... (gulp) hold on a sec..."
I knew that when i'd speak the words I'd burst into tears. That's always what happens when I face people head on. If it's an apology, I'll cry or feel really uncomfortable. If it's an important talk that I've had on my mind, I'll start shaking with adrenaline. It doens't matter how big, how small, I can't do it.
"I'm sorry about 3rd period..." I murmured. "I didn't mean it like that..."
"oh, it's okay..." she said, coming up to give me a hug. "I'm just still sensetive with it, people do it all the time..."
Yes, I started crying. Not sobbing, thank God. "I'm sorry, i'm just..."
"It's allright, it's okay..."
After a few minutes of talking, she said, "If you need me, Icome get me, okay?"
"Okay..."
I sat in there for a few more minutes, trying to make myself stop. Why was everything such a big deal? Why was I this sensitive? She had every right to cry, not me. "God, help me..." I muttered.