"Now I'm sunny with a high of 75 since you took my heavy heart and made it light..."
" I hope it snows this week, A snow flake on your cheek would make this Christmas so Beautiful... But that would just bring the pain, Cause things can’t stay the same
These Holidays won’t be wonderful..."
Dear Relient;
You really have your ways of making people happy, but you also have your ways of making people sad. Afterall, words are the most powerful thing.
Love,
The No Named Face.
I was listening to my play list earlier and that song came on, and I began realizing with a very sorrowful feeling that you don't have to have been in a relationship to understand a broken heart, but that a broken heart is a broken heart and they all hurt... and that people just can't get over their broken heart no matter how it had gotten broken. Someone's heart could be broken over the death of a loved one almost as much as it was broken over a break-up. Because it all falls under losing someone you love and I know that feeling from when I was little, and from experiences recent... I feel selfish for not understanding that long ago and I'm sorry for it.
I wish I would have understood this then and I wish I would have been there. I can't heal a broken heart. But all I can say now is that my phone is on all day, during class and at 3 am and my hugs are always free. And I'll have to forgive myself for being the jerk I was no matter how long ago that was, because God can't forgive me if I can't forgive others and if I can't forgive myself...
Anyway in other news, wanna see what happens when my words get all mixed together?
“It's ironic the way we all think,
limiting ourselves to
knowledge of this place,
they leave the rest to sink,
the door left open,
and no name to a face,
They call it naive and think what they may,
but in the end who ran astray, What can I say?
Where are they looking, left or right?
When it all comes down, who's left to fight?
Why do we so often go back on our word?
I wish we didn't think the worst,
I wish these words just didn't hurt.
Why is the eternal labeled absurd?
You never listen to these words said
But you turn around and go ahead,
Must things become so misunderstood?
I wish these regrets would find their way.
but one thing I know is true, that
So often, like the words caught away in the air,
Nobody said that life was fair.
It's undefined why
the dish ran away with the spoon,
why the people we love the most
hold the power to hurt us the most.
Why the closely knitted drift apart
leaving so much locked away
taking pieces of our heart
and leaving in a disarray.
We've got the power of the world in our hands
but so much is unused, nevertheless,
we can't make others understand that
We are the last ones left.
Why do we so often go back on our word?
I wish we didn't think the worst,
I wish these words just didn't hurt.
Why is the eternal labeled absurd?
You never listen to these words said
But you turn around and go ahead,
Must things become so misunderstood?
I wish these regrets would find their way.
but one thing I know is true, that
So often, like the words caught away in the air,
Nobody said that life was fair.
We've come too far to let this go.
so we're taking our regrets,
letting them go,
looking toward the future,
disregarding before,
making a new creed,
running evermore.
Taking these words that way say,
using them like a two-edged sword.
Be careful, however you may, because
Words are a powerful thing afterall.”
I think I should call it Words.
It's a very mixed up song, or poem, or whatever you prefer. I'll save it.
In other other news, I've began realizing another weird thing- I'm not sure why, but I've suddenly developed this habit of just falling in my bed, regardless of what I'm in the middle of or have left to do, and going to sleep. Eventually this habit results in stuff piling in my chair and things scattered about my room, and then it looking like a true teenagers room by the end of the week. After napping I always have somewhere to go, and if I don't I have homework left or I just feel too lazy to clean. I'm a neat-freak, I'm not suppose to feel lazy. I get a full eight hours and still feel lazy. Oh well.
Well I'm done ranting for the day. Now I'm going to be lazy and go to sleep.
G'night. :3
i was really dealing with that last night. mom and i had Christmas music on in the car (bc we were out Christmas shopping) and i remembered listening to the same cd last year. and it hit me how different Christmas was gonna be this year. and it was like the scars on my heart hurt for a few minutes until i simply forced them to stop.
ReplyDeletesometimes i miss that relationship more than i could put into words. yeah, i still have the best part of it, cause i do still have him as my best friend. but its not the same. and i'm a bit scared that i'm not gonna know how to act this year. that Christmas and the Ramp and all are gonna be awkward bc its not like last year. who knows, maybe it'll be better. but from a month away it still looks scurry.
and i wonder sometimes if it ever feels weird for him too? and it may not now, but i wonder if on Christmas night if he'll think of last year at all... and i wonder if he'll cry...
anyways- i love your poem. i think i'ma create some music for it (if thats ok with u).
i kno what u mean about the stuff piling. i cant see most of my furniture anymore. and my halloween costume stuff is still sitting out.
thanks for writing all this. even tho i cried, it made my heart happy.
love u lil sistah.
I love you too, and you're welcome :) and yeah, that's definitely okay with me- everytime I read it I have a sound for it, and it always sounds something like a mixture of the classic crime and AFI and even a bit like Emery minus the screamo... weird combination but I doubt it would work. lol. You should make the sound for it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I was a jerk. I've said that a billion times but I wish I could go back and change it, change the way I thought and how I treated you and Bruce both, especially you because I just wasn't understanding or even trying to understand. I think it was because I was scared, but really, what can I say?
When I was thinking I'd lost you guys, I was scared. In fear, and quite honestly, I was heartbroken. I wanted to cry but couldn't find myself to. I wanted advice but didn't know who to go to. I wanted to stop it from happening but I didn't know how or even if it was happening. I was in a place where I was stuck, and that's one of the worst places to be in- where you just don't know what to do, what's happening or where things are going. I was depressed because I thought I was losing you guys and it put me in a bad place. And if I ever had lost you guys I would be very heartbroken and I just wouldn't know what to do because I love you two that much. I suppose it's a form of heartbroken, but if not then I've lost people I love like when I was taken from my dad and when my friends quit talking to me and a few other experiences... none of it feels good. I'm sorry you're going through that, but you're right- you still have him as your best friend and that's a very good place to be. Just make this December the best you can. I think this year's end some amazing things that we've never even imagined before are going to happen... guaranteed. Afterall, it's the best month of the year. :) I'm always here for both of you, and that's a promise. And if there's one thing everyone should know about me, it's that I NEEEEEEVVVVEERRRR break my promises.
I love you Bekah!!!
i'm glad you understand now. i mean i hate that you have any clue what heartbreak is, bc i wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy... but its comforting to know that you can understand where i'm at and why this is difficult.
ReplyDeletei will try to make this december even more of one to remember than last year. cause one thing i know is that if we're going up and up and up and up, then things get better and better and better and better. i dont believe in going backwards.
i just wish it wasnt such a fight to get my heart not to hurt. it hasnt bothered me at all since july. i havent felt lonely or unloved or anything until just this week. and its not like i feel unloved... actually on the contrary - even though we arent dating, i know he loves me. it may not be the same kind of love it used to be, but he shows me love just the same. and i got you. and i got people like my family and mrs blonda and gabe and theo and brehia and hazard... i know i'm loved. and i dont know that i feel really lonely bc i always have u guys to hang with... i guess this week i just feel like the excitement of last year isnt here.. bc last year there were brownie jokes and it was just really exciting falling in love and having someone fall in love with me. and it was all new and scary and amazing. and then this year... well its not new or amazing, and the only thing thats scary is the idea that i might be wrong about the future. i'm not falling in love this year cause i never fell out from last year. no one is falling in love with me this year either. and things in my life seem so much more complicated this year.
but its only mid november. when i look back at mid november last year i was a confused mess... so who knows :)
i know it will get better, but the memories are so bittersweet...
i love u too.
I don't know why but I've had a hard year since last year, too. Maybe it's just a part of growing up... but seriously, it's gotten hard and it hasn't been this hard before ever in my opinion... but all I can say is that it means we're closer...
ReplyDeleteI wish I could fix it... really, I do... but I certainly can pray for it. And we all know prayer works. :) Maybe he's the man you'll be with or maybe he isn't. I know it's a bit weird for me to say this, but don't be afraid of being wrong. Just move forward in confidence, and confidence comes from God, so if you know in your spirit that he's the one whenever you do, shoot for it. If you don't, take baby steps and keep following the holy ghost. I can see what people mean when they say friendship has a boundary... like how you guys can't be friends and hold eachother I suppose. To me there's a boundary, but whenever I find the guy I know is God sent for me, I think our friendship will just keep going and going until we're married. No asking out, just doing it without asking and it still being official... weird way to have it but I'm sure there's at least one sexy man of God out there just for me who will fit. xD
One thing I find odd is that once we're all in heaven the marriages supposedly won't matter anymore because we'll all be kindred spirits worshipping God, so I've heard. I mean we'll recognize one another but husbands and wives won't be hugging up on eachother and stuff like here.
Anyway, back to the point. I understood heartbreak then, but it took me a while to just... accept you guys being together I guess? I don't know. I was afraid you guys would go away and I would have people I'm close to go away again. I was a jerk; being inconsiderate of your feelings and selfish of my own because of my own fears, and I can see why I acted that way and wish I had taken my thoughts in the right direction, but no lie I did have moments where I was like "Hey... I understand that..." and then other moments where I was like "...Shoot me. Now."
I would cry on Christmas this year, and if that happened to me I'd be in the same place probably... I'm just sorry you're having to be in that spot... but there is an upward motion and last year was the past. Here is now, and we're closer to the end of the beginning. It may be a long process but you'll get through it, cause as a friend once said to me quite recently, you're a strong-willed girl who has God on her side and can get through this.
I think I'd rather have a spiritual relationship with someone rather than a boyfriend relationship. Those are the best.
You can get through this Chandler. We're going up and you're coming with us! [remind me I said that next time I try to run... running away isn't a good feeling... :[
This year's end is whatever you make it. Let's make it amazing and earth-shaking. :)
i have a couple different tunes in my head for that poem/song. one sounds like "youth of the nation" by POD. :) however i am not gonna use that, cause i cant play that. i'm gonna mess with my guitar on friday and see if i cant come up with something. (i've always wanted to create a song with an instrument. nows my chance! lol)
ReplyDeletethat reminds me, i'd like to share some of my songs i've written with ya sometime. next time we have a just us day maybe. not that i dont want bruce to hear my songs, but its just awkward... annnd i need to get one of them back from matt. i have a tape of music that goes with the words to that one, my choir teacher played/recorded it for me. but i likely wont ever get the tape back, matt keeps it in the memory box under his bed. lol. along with a picture of me on a mountain from when i was 10 or 11 and every note i ever sent him. he says i cant have them back bc they're special to him. i often wonder if karis knows about this box LOL.
i've had this comment box open for over an hour. i keep getting interrupted.
i'm bringing a whole mess of stuff to bruce's on saturday. to give us lots of options other than a movie. :) this should be fun.
i'm procrastinating my work... usually i'm alot farther along... i like to be done before lacey gets here cause she likes to make my workspace messy... so today i just gotta work around the mess... blah. shouldnt have delayed. oh well. its been busy this morning...
i have a wisdom tooth coming in today...
bah. theres alot to do now. i guess i'll end my comment here so that i dont lose what i already put.
Youth of the Nation is too rappy for the song. xD I like it though. I think that was the first time I'd ever gotten a chance to listen to the whole thing...
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, is he for real? xD Well actually okay, I'd probably do the same thing. Most likely. That's funny though... Karis would be all like "Uhm...?"
I'm procrastinating too. I should be finishing my English journal and taking a shower and writing some more of my book and going to the doctors office. I wish I'd gone to school today but my tonsils aren't agreeing. I'm missing 3rd lunch D: Nooooo!!!
At least I didn't have to wear my uniform though. :D
Wisdom teeth hurt. I have to get fillings the day after I get back from Baltimore which requires me leaving at the end of school again as if I'm not missing enough counting today, tuesday, monday and tuesday. The vacation's worth it though... ;) crazy week ahead... incoming.... xD
Mmkay now Imma shutup so you can get back to work!.
PS. I'm not doing anything Friday either, just saying if you're bored!
i cant spend the gas this friday. so i'ma work on ur song then, so i can play it for u on saturday. (i hope!) :)
ReplyDeletei have more to say but i'ma leave work now and go home... adios
lol gotcha :)
ReplyDeleteHey, we should take a walk Saturday if we get bored. Pleeease? :D